There are days when I just can't bring myself to think about my brother because it is too painful. Josh has been in a state hospital since February 2009. In the past, my family would cherish the fleeting moments of recovery or mental stability which existed between involuntary hospital stays. For the past seven months, my brother passed the time by roaming the white hospital halls, smeared in fingerprints and dirt. He paces to the rhythm of a psychosis that he can't seem to shake. He will not acknowledge his newborn niece, though his mind will not allow him to. I want to blame someone so I blame the mental health system. But they are only doing their jobs to carry out rules and regulations. As a family member, you feel like everyone who is "doing their job" looks right through you as they ignore your hunger to fix things. So, our hands remain tied, very tightly. How can I enjoy my career success, my life or even sunshine when someone I love is repeatedly choked by his own mind. I am haunted by the sensitive little boy who could never predict or deserve a future like this. My brother may be a victim of circumstance but he will forever live in my work, my mind and all that I do. Please get better Josh!